Saints

I am a member of a church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, I believe it is the ancient church of Christ restored in the latter days. We call ourselves Saints, which we aren’t, but we are striving to be the best we can through Christ. My heart is often turned to the Saints who helped establish this church. When my life is hard I think of them.

I think of when they left their homes and traveled thousands of miles in the snow with hand carts and frost biten feet. I think of the first responders and the love and service they rendered to each other. I think of how it must have felt to finally make it to Zion. And then to discover their trials were not over. The time they had to build and rebuild the foundation of a temple and sacrifice all of their possessions and time. Or the time they had a mass population of crickets devouring their field of crops that was their lifeline for Winter. How sorely disappointed they must felt when that big body of water was disgusting salt water or that the weather was less than ideal. Their test wasn’t over after crossing the plains. They were tested and tried again. Over and over. They were constantly reminded that they needed to lean on the Lord. That they did not travel alone nor should they ever.

Our lives are very similar to theirs. Just when I think I’ve arrived and I can take a deep breathe and relax I’m asked to do something, something hard. But every time I’ve trusted Him and every time He has provided the way. (It’s like Nephi says, “I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandments unto the children of men, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them.”) And when He provides the way miracles can happen. And I have witnessed so many in my life.

Finding Help

My journey started when I was 15 years old. I was to the desperate point. I had called my mom crying. I remember it clearly. I told her I was done. She recognized it immediately. She called my Aunt and I was at a doctors office before anything else happened. My Aunt was there. I filled out a form and lost it. I couldn’t finish the form through the waterfall in my eyes. They were questions confirming my fear, depression. I didn’t want to have something wrong with my brain. How was this fair? What did I do to deserve this? The Doctor suggested something she thought may help, a medication. I didn’t want to have to take something to make my brain and my mind stop hurting. Why couldn’t I get better on my own? But I was vulnerable and desperate, so I tried it. And it helped. 

This was my first step towards healing, BEING VULNERABLE. Also, you don’t have to suffer alone, ASK FOR HELP. You may or may not need medication. Don’t be ashamed of depression or taking help meds. They saved my life. Medication can be a huge blessing when used properly and under a physicians care. What I didn’t realize then is so many of my friends were self medicating with other sources, the bad ones. Why did I feel so much guilt and shame for this? I shouldn’t have.

To anyone suffering, it’s hard in the moment to have the HOPE that someday you can feel better. HOPE is something you lose with depression and the thing you need the most. Try to have HOPE that you can feel better again. HOPE for the moments when the clouds are lifted. There is so much life to live and so many good moments to come but you just need a tiny amount of HOPE to get you there.

Be MINDFUL. This means paying attention and listening to what you are experiencing. Allow yourself to have your feelings. Even if they are caused by an imbalance in your brain. Don’t shut them up. Listen and then talk back to those feelings and thoughts. But be ok with the things you are experiencing. It’s ok to say “I’m having a bad day.” Everyone has bad days and everyone experiences horrible feelings, some are stronger than others. And then TALK ABOUT it. People can help you know if your thoughts are irrational. You may also find you are not alone with your feelings.

If you can find an interest or hobby that interests you, do it! It can be distracting and healing to find something you have passion for. I have someone I love who found her peaceful place in yoga. I find mine in walking an animal or playing soccer. Find your art or passion that allows you to “check out” in a productive and healthy way. 

I know when you are in horrible depression the last thing you want to hear is what you could do better or what you could do to get better. Depression isn’t something you deserve or a result of something you did. This is just a trial we get as part of being a human. More than anything else I’ve mentioned, the very most important thing I could ever share with anyone is that GOD LOVES YOU. He can help you through this and anything. He will send earthly angels and Heavenly ones in your darkest hours. You are also loved by countless others, YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

BE VULNERABLE 

ASK FOR HELP

HAVE HOPE

BE MINDFUL

FIND A PASSION 

REMEMBER YOU ARE LOVED

Hanging on

I often find myself telling others to "hang on" or "hang in there." It seems trials and tribulations surround me. After all, that's what this life is for, to be tested. And I'm constantly reminded of that. Is anyone else? Or is it just me? And this is something I've become accustomed to, hanging on. I feel like life is hard. In the most testing moments the only thing that you feel like you can do is hang on. Hang on to what? Faith, hope, family or loved ones, patience, sanity maybe?
 
I deal with depression.  For those of you who may not understand what that entails, let me explain.  It is a mental illness and some symptoms might include fatigue, lack of desire to do anything really, appetite increase or decrease, feelings of despair, loneliness, and sadness. It can affect the way you process things. Anxiety can come with it. With anxiety you may experience over thinking and analyzing or "rushes of anxiety" that can feel a lot like an adrenaline rush. Someone once described depression as feeling as though you've suffered a great loss and you never really get through the grieving process and "move on." I thought that was a good description. But it's not a one size fits all, everyone can experience depression differently.

For people who may look at depression with judgement, I say "If they don't understand, they haven't experienced it." And I can only imagine it would be hard to imagine. But it is the brain's inability to create enough of the "happy hormones." And some may say "eat better, exercise more, or find a hobby!" There are few people who think a depressed person is suppressed, maybe not living their dream or to their full potential. I've heard people say if you're depressed you are self centered and ungrateful.

I do have hobbies and I like to eat good and enjoy a good work out. I'm living my dream life. I absolutely love my life and wouldn't change anything. I'm extremely grateful for the life I'm living and for every breath I take. Life is good. And yet, I still deal with this.

But I think it's ok to say life is good AND life is hard. We ALL have our weaknesses, our trials, our ups and downs.

I've had times in my life I've dealt with it for weeks or months or even years. At the moment I only deal with it on occasion. Although, I always feel it right on my heels. I don't think I will ever be free from depression in this life. I've dealt with it for my whole life. Some may be shocked to learn this as I appear to be a happy and healthy individual. And I'm not pretending, I'm happy! But I have days when it is REALLY hard to have the desire to get out of bed. I have days when I can't control the tears and the flood gates open. I have lonely days. But don't we ALL?! I think when you have depression there's a chance you FEEL things stronger. You have higher highs and lower lows. You can't help but have empathy for people. Sometimes you may even feel things stronger than they do!
So although depression may be a curse at times, it can be a blessing. And it is. It teaches you things you couldn't learn without a weakness. You learn to lean on the Savior. You learn to have compassion and love for others. You learn to mourn with those who mourn. You don't want anyone to feel sad or lonely, because you know how that feels. So although depression is hard, it teaches. I'm grateful for this life I'm living and for the opportunity to learn to know my Savior. I'm grateful for this test and as hard as it can be, it's beautiful.

For all of those struggling with depression, or sadness on any level, or just having a bad day, to you I say HANG ON and HANG IN there! Whatever you do, don't lose hope!

Much love,

Denae