Hanging on

I often find myself telling others to "hang on" or "hang in there." It seems trials and tribulations surround me. After all, that's what this life is for, to be tested. And I'm constantly reminded of that. Is anyone else? Or is it just me? And this is something I've become accustomed to, hanging on. I feel like life is hard. In the most testing moments the only thing that you feel like you can do is hang on. Hang on to what? Faith, hope, family or loved ones, patience, sanity maybe?
 
I deal with depression.  For those of you who may not understand what that entails, let me explain.  It is a mental illness and some symptoms might include fatigue, lack of desire to do anything really, appetite increase or decrease, feelings of despair, loneliness, and sadness. It can affect the way you process things. Anxiety can come with it. With anxiety you may experience over thinking and analyzing or "rushes of anxiety" that can feel a lot like an adrenaline rush. Someone once described depression as feeling as though you've suffered a great loss and you never really get through the grieving process and "move on." I thought that was a good description. But it's not a one size fits all, everyone can experience depression differently.

For people who may look at depression with judgement, I say "If they don't understand, they haven't experienced it." And I can only imagine it would be hard to imagine. But it is the brain's inability to create enough of the "happy hormones." And some may say "eat better, exercise more, or find a hobby!" There are few people who think a depressed person is suppressed, maybe not living their dream or to their full potential. I've heard people say if you're depressed you are self centered and ungrateful.

I do have hobbies and I like to eat good and enjoy a good work out. I'm living my dream life. I absolutely love my life and wouldn't change anything. I'm extremely grateful for the life I'm living and for every breath I take. Life is good. And yet, I still deal with this.

But I think it's ok to say life is good AND life is hard. We ALL have our weaknesses, our trials, our ups and downs.

I've had times in my life I've dealt with it for weeks or months or even years. At the moment I only deal with it on occasion. Although, I always feel it right on my heels. I don't think I will ever be free from depression in this life. I've dealt with it for my whole life. Some may be shocked to learn this as I appear to be a happy and healthy individual. And I'm not pretending, I'm happy! But I have days when it is REALLY hard to have the desire to get out of bed. I have days when I can't control the tears and the flood gates open. I have lonely days. But don't we ALL?! I think when you have depression there's a chance you FEEL things stronger. You have higher highs and lower lows. You can't help but have empathy for people. Sometimes you may even feel things stronger than they do!
So although depression may be a curse at times, it can be a blessing. And it is. It teaches you things you couldn't learn without a weakness. You learn to lean on the Savior. You learn to have compassion and love for others. You learn to mourn with those who mourn. You don't want anyone to feel sad or lonely, because you know how that feels. So although depression is hard, it teaches. I'm grateful for this life I'm living and for the opportunity to learn to know my Savior. I'm grateful for this test and as hard as it can be, it's beautiful.

For all of those struggling with depression, or sadness on any level, or just having a bad day, to you I say HANG ON and HANG IN there! Whatever you do, don't lose hope!

Much love,

Denae